A great
night was had by all with an excellent band (made up of club
members) finishing of with a great rendition of sweet Caroline with
everyone joining in have a look here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6T5tmmmiS-c
The
Awards
Sprint
1st Rachel Baker
Dave Jones
2nd Sam Anderson
James Dear
3rd Margaret Hollamby Phil
Couch
Olympic
1st Hazel Tuppen
James Dear
2nd Fiona Bussell
Phil Couch
3rd Lucy Williams
Rob Hoodless
Middle
1st Rachel Baker
James Dear
2nd Hazel Tuppen
Steve Alden
3rd Nikki Dow
Vaughan Portelli
SHORT
BAR
Rachel Baker
James Dear
LONG
BAR
Julienne Stuart-Colwill Steve
Alden
Best
Athlete
Rachel Baker
James Dear
Most improved
Athletes
Julie Williams
Rob Hoodless
Performance of the
Year - Margaret Hollamby (silver medal
European sprint triathlon)
Achievement of the
Year - Claire Cresswell (Completing
Ironman)
Club Member of the
year - Mark Jordan
And once
again the had the excellent wit of Loz with the alternative awards
I was going to just give an overview but thought it was so good his
script should be put up for all to see.
Ladies,
gentlemen, friends, visitors, new members, long dangly members and
fellow triathletes it is once again my pleasure to regale you with
tales of misdemeanour and misadventure from that bunch of part time
athletes and full time social misfits otherwise known as the
mid-sussex triathlon club.
Those of you
with a good memory (and that rules out 50% of you) and who were not
too drunk (and that rules out the other 50%) will recall that last
year was the year of the TIT - Triathlete in Trouble.
So what kind
of year was 2011 - I can reveal to you that it is the year of the
Twisted Warped Absent Minded Triathlete. For those who are poor at
mnemonics that is T.W.A.T - TWAT.
By our very
nature others consider us somewhat twisted and warped - what other
part of society wakes itself up before sunrise to smear itself in
cold grease, dress in rubber, share a communal (and often less than
perfectly formed number ) in a pungently perfumed plastic prison
with no loo roll and then throws themselves into a guano infested
swamp?
What marks
out this year is the additional and exceptional degree of absent
mindedness displayed by some of our seemingly sharp sportsmen and
women.
Speaking of
TWATs I must at this stage thank the secret club awards committee
for their tireless and dedicated work in bringing you the most up
to date and no expense spared prizes this evening - thank you Steve
and Pippa.
Our first and most sought
after award,The Golden Buttocks prize is given for success
in the realm of romance and since the retirement of Andy
"snakehips" Heath there has been little action in the Mid Sussex
bedroom department.
However for
one amazing and astonishing moment I thought we had the most
unlikely of twisted and warped winners.
Already a
married man and holding a high station in our esteemed organisation
I was rather worried about Steve Mac when I heard he was getting
together with an old flame - perhaps he hd forgotten he had a
wife?.
Poor Mrs
Mac, how must she feel - probably quite relieved given his high
levels of testosterone. Happily it turns out it
was my hearing again and in fact he is going to get together with
the Olympic Flame. So no golden buttocks this
year .but then a glimmer of hope from another unexpected
source...
My anonymous
source, Rob Hoodless, indiscreetly told me that he had seen one
other of our married elders, Steve Alden, getting hot and steamy
with a bit of beaver action. More amazingly he told me he had
gotten great pleasure from watching!
Whilst I was
obviously repulsed by this thought I had to ask for more details
(in the interest of this prize category of course) and maybe some
photographic evidence (to add to my extensive personal
collection).
Rob looked a
bit perplexed as he explained to me that I had gotten the wrong
bushy creature beginning with b and it was a bit of
badger action.
It seems
that this keen duo were practicing their time trial skills with Rob
given the job of catching Steve over 25 miles who had been given a
head start..
Steve
"trains like a snail races like a hare" Alden was just about to get
overtaken by Rob when an unfortunate bit of two tone roadkill found
its way in his path
Always one
to take the shortest route Steve had no hesitation in slicing the
poor creature in 2 and leave Rob with an entrail facepack. Whilst
this was a rather warped incident it was not the kind to win the
prestigious Golden Buttocks so I am afraid dear friends we must
keep this award locked up in the vaults of Jordan
Mansions.
However we
do have some specialist equipment for Rob to use the next time he
decides to train with the Aldenator....
.
A recently neglected prize
category is the Fashion Award for Interesting Renditions in Yarn
(F.A.I.R.Y.). Since the decline of the wool industry the
committee has also agreed to allow the use of synthetic
materials
Many cannot
forget the previous recipient of this award, Mr Ricketts and his
Sweaty Purple Paisley Pants. Indeed many are still receiving
counselling for post traumatic shock
It was in
fact Mr Ricketts who nominated tonight's first contender for her
choice of the Ann Summers "Barely there" range of underclothing for
the passionate triathlete. He spent much of the East Grinstead
triathlon trying to keep up with her to admire it more closely. His
high levels of breathlessness at the end were attributed more to
Rachel's ravishing rear than any actual effort he had put
in.
Jules'
husband Darren warrants an honourable mention for his Smurf outfit
he wore to support everyone who did the Portsmouth Marathon - turns
out it was the icy climate that caused his blue hue not a deep
admiration for brightly coloured gnomes
Following
his success in showing his golden glowing glutes our gusset loving
triathlete known as Trevor in tights again rummaged through another
ladies drawers (thanks to Jean) to produce a glamorous glittery
appearance at the Santa run. Unfortunately this does not clinch him
the top spot.
Unbelievable
as it may seem Trevor was quite literally outshone by a radiance so
bright that had many passers by believe that Gabriel had come to
deliver a Christmastide message.
In fact it
was our absent minded twisted old timer whose wardrobe is more
suited to a teenage ladyboy than an octogenarian athlete.
Forgetting entirely that he is a bloke (and one who is old enough
to know better) he had the audacity to outdo twinkly Trev in a
fetching illuminated angel outfit. So please step forward
Tinkerbell Del to accept this magnificently crafted award. Whilst
you applaud or heckle please take a moment to admire his finely
honed physique in this limited edition press portrait...
The golden spanner
is awarded to those who mechanical ineptitude surpasses their
athletic ability. There have been multiple bids for glory from our
twisted and absent minded
triathletes.
The Wobbler
- a man of little physical talent and boundless forgetfulness
managed to snap his chain half way up Leith Hill and being rather
absent minded had forgotten his chainlink tool. Sadly Kev, Ian
Anderson and I were equally absent minded and we we spent the rest
of the day pushing this ungainly lump around the South and North
Downs in search of a bike shop. Not quite enough to earn a golden
spanner though.
Steve Mac a
man of impeccable appearance (apart from tonight obviously) is
rather particular about colour coordination and had invested in
some some nice orange bar tape to match his David Dickinson
permatan.
Someone who
reveals their flesh as much as he does needs to ensure they have an
even all over tan and Steve has been known to resort to the bottle
during the colder months - not the alcoholic kind of bottle as he
is almost totally abstinent (apart from tonight again it would
seem) but the self tanning kind of bottle.
As he left
the Dolphin on the handlebar tapes first outing he realised with
horror that there was a terrible clash in the tango tone of his
tape and his tan. Sensing immediate ridicule he decided to kick his
chain off through vigorous abuse of his gear levers and took the
opportunity to coat his hands and tape in a mucky but matching
shade of chainoil black
However
these 2 puny attempts were severely outclassed by this evenings
winner. A man who makes a habit of forgetting to check his bike
over and even when he does forgets what he should be looking for,
he excelled himself at the club half ironman.
Maybe he was
under the impression that the half referred to the amount of bike
that should arrive back at T2. And how he managed such a feat we
will never really know but Ant Grey managed to get his bike under
the BTA weight limit between T1 and T2 arriving with half the usual
number of pedals and 100% less than the usual number of saddles.
For this outstanding feat of mechanical ineptitude he clearly
deserves the golden spanner.
Our penultimate
award is often the most hotly contested - the ARSE award for
Accidents Rated on Severity and
Entertainment.
An accident
waiting to happen is probably the kindest thing you can say about
the Wobbler - a man who posseses his own gravitational field.
However this will be marked as the year he stayed upright and his
crown will go to another.
Realising
there was no opposition from the Wobbler several made a valiant
late attempt to clinch the ARSE.
Jules spent
several fruitless hours cruising the Haywards Heath one way system
in search of an accident but this calculated strategy only resulted
in a ripped jacket and some missing elbow skin!
Jim Graham
made a better stab at things a couple of weeks ago and thought the
best preparation for the Marrakech marathon would be to use the
side of a car as a bicycle brake. It worked ,but at the expense of
his helmet, shoulder and face. Not a bad try, but could do
better.
For those
who are squeamish please turn away, for those who are not please
give a big ""whoo as he steps forward to reclaim his helmet from
this particualar accident
Mark Jordan
is another who decided to use a vehicle as a bicycle brake. However
this time the van came off worse and so he will not be proud owner
of an ARSE award this year.
Peter Harris
added a 4th discipline to the triathlon - gymnastics.
The double back somersault with half twist as he took his bike off
his car roof rack at the Cambridge duathlon earned him some
admiring looks but not from the unfortunate girl he landed on. In
spite of the cracked ribs that resulted he still he qualified for
GB age group (unlike the flattened female) so I guess he hadn't
quite given his all to the proper challenge of the ARSE
Steve Alden
is a man who is all for sex equality - he wants to get as much as
Emma gets. However, his principles are easily overcome and this was
evident at the last Crawley Wheelers 25 where he was starting just
ahead of Rachel. Concerned that this might be the day he got
chicked he reached the first roundabout and hurled himself off the
bike causing great bruising to himself and a few holes to his skin
suit but miraculously (or not) no damage to his rather expensive
and cosseted bike. Watch out though Steve she promises to get you
this year.
Whilst the
men were pussy footing about it was one of our magnificent ladies
who showed them how it should be done.
The hilly
100 mile cyclosportive was probably too much for most of the men
here and the terrain too challenging and technical but that didn't
stop our heroine from taking the Meatloaf "Bat out of Hell"
approach to descending. Yes the downhill was steep, yes it was
covered in horse poo and gravel, yes it was twisty and littered
with feeble men who were shattered from the previous 85 arduous
miles but it really does not explain why Jean Fish absent mindedly
forgot to use her brakes rather than her body to slow her descent.
Gallantly, my informant, Sharon the compassionate, listened to the
crash occuring nearby and pedalled on oblivious to her comrades
demise.
To add
insult to injury our fated female was carted off to the Royal
Sussex (where no doubt Mr Ricketts was pocketing fortunes on call)
and received the NHSs finest treatment. Discharged and given the
all clear following an Xray of her leg, Jean was perplexed at the
amount of shoulder discomfort she was experiencing several days
later.
I am not
sure if it was her absent mindedness at forgetting to mention the
graunching of freshly parted bones at a and e or her high pain
threshold that were to blame but it turns out her broken collarbone
gives her the position of top ARSE of 2011.
Prolonged Egotistical
Noting of Induced Surgery
As a man who
defies description and prescription, we have had to create a one
off award for this unique individual. I expect most of you will
know him because he is not shy of blowing his own horn and showing
off his latest self induced excuse for not competing. I believe he
has forgotten that he is a triathlete and sees himself as a semi
permanent resident of the NHS.
If there
were an Olympic endurance event for Munchausen's then the gold
medal would be in the bag.
I will
illustrate this with a couple of quotes:
From the
World Health Organisation publication on the International
Classification of Diseases:
Münchausen syndrome is a psychiatric
factitious disorder wherein those affected
feign disease, illness, or psychological trauma
to draw attention or sympathy to themselves, it is also known
as hospital addiction syndrome
My second
quote should be familiar to all, as it is one of many of you will
have received from the globally distributed e-mails of our hospital
addict:
I just
thought I would let u know that rather unfortunately the muscle and
tendons on the right hand side of my leg which was operated on have
got tangled up with the metal work that's been put into my leg !!
As a result I am not able to straighten it and the pain is more
severe than before the op. I now have to have an emergency
operation on january 17th to have all the pieces taken out and the
multitude of screw holes filled with bone filler to prevent the
bone breaking.
I'm told I
will be off for 2 weeks after the op so if anyone wants to pop over
for coffee that would be lovely !!!
If anyone is passing the treatment centre on tuesday week please
drop me off a magazine ??
Bloody cheek
- the only thing he is getting is this cheap (but lovingly crafted)
award.
I believe Mr
Ricketts is the man who has seen him most (hovering around the
entrance to the Nuffield Hospital) so I would ask him to step
forward and receive on his behalf (because he really is in
hospital) the inaugural award for
Prolonged
Egotistical Noting of Induced Surgery (and once again I
will have to painfully point out the mnemonics of this -
P.E.N.I.S.) which
goes to Ian
Ogbourne
Our final award goes to our PRIZE TWAT - the
triathlete who has proved himself or herself the most twisted,
warped and absentminded.
One of our 2
valiant runners up is our own lady of the lake. Perhaps the
Southwater slurry has gummed up her brain and she is not quite as
sharp as she used to be. After her successful 2nd place
in the national age group championships in the "F " age group she
joined the GBR team for a spot of international competition out at
Pontevedra. Our absent minded age grouper was feeling very pleased
with herself as the race progressed. Not only was she cruising past
the other "f" age groupers she had the distinct impression she had
aged much better than most! Anyway it wasn't till well after the
event had finished that she realised that the 'F' mark on the
ladies legs meant Female as opposed to being our age group
letter. Yes quite silly and absent minded but quite as
forgetful as our next runner up.
A man whose
fast and placid exterior hides a chaotic and absent minded
interior, our other runner up was also involved in international
competition at Gijon.
Fastiduously
he ensured that all his race nutrition, gels, potions, personal
grooming products and a surprisingly large quantity of lubricants
were packed. He also ensured that all his spanners and allen keys
were readily to hand so that he could reassemble his bike at the
other end of the flight.
Less
fastidiously he had absent mindedly forgotten that these things
were not allowed in his rather fetching man bag he was using as
hand luggage.
I am not
sure who was the most amazed or amused - the security guard or Rob,
Steve Alden and Pete Harris or the queue that was building up
behind them as all these items were produced and subsequently
confiscated.
In spite of
this James Dear remained quite upbeat on realising that they had
overlooked a couple of gels!
However the
PRIZE TWAT goes to a man whose athletic ambitions are truly
stupendous.
With such
high ambitions come the possibility of a lofty descent. And is not
without some merriment that I note that TWAT also stands for Three
Water Attempts Terminated.
You may now
have gathered that the recipient of our final award is our open
water sewage swallowing superhero, Jamie
Goodhead..
Before I
outline his noble non completion of his cut price attempts at a
foreign holiday I must congratulate his wife on setting a target
and completing it with a magnificent marathon time and no
misfortune.
But it must
be admitted that swimming the channel is rather a complex and
extreme matter and his first failed attempt really was quite
unfortunate as one of the team manning the accompanying support
boat had a cardiovascular accident half way across and the swim was
terminated for a first time . Happily he survived as did Jamies
ambitions.
Now what
happened on the second attempt is more of a mystery. It would seem
the adverse wind conditions that thwarted our gluttonous glory
seeker were more of the meteorological kind than the carboloading
induced sort.
Surely it
would be a case of 3rd time lucky. It certainly seemed
that way as he entered Calais harbour after 19 (yes 19) hours of
swimming. However the cold and extreme toil on his magnificent
physique but pitiful brain were all too much and lead him to become
rather confused and absent minded.
In spite of
his crews determination to get him to believe he only had 100
metres to go and that he was just about to complete his ultimate
challenge, he entirely forgot himself and terminated his own
attempt by stepping onto the boat.
So tonights
PRIZE TWAT wins his award more because of his Three Water Attempts
Terminated than his final act of absent mindedness.
He also wins
my undying admiration and I hope that I stand here next year to
tell you of his successful crossing and to award him the Channel
Urges Now Terminated award (and I wont tell you what that
spells).
Please step
forward Jamie .......
That brings
us to the end of my summary of the year of the RAT so it just
remains for me to thank you for attention and thank those that have
ably assisted me tonight
and now to
hand you over to our in house band - the TWATPack